Pronouns and Parenting

I have two XX-chromosome children, 1 and 3 years old. They are both being raised with an “absolutely whatever you’d like” attitude towards clothes, toys, books, etc. insofar as how those things are calibrated for American media-industrial complex gender roles.

We use “she/her” pronouns for them. Not speaking for my wife, but all I can say is, I exerted effort to begin with gender-neutral pronouns, but there was something spiritually lacking in how I felt it characterized these children, specifically. PLEASE CONTINUE READING:

The little one is nowhere close to exhibiting gendered behavior, let alone concepts. When the eldest started to, it came in easily parsed forms: trying out pronouns on book characters and people, “Is that a girl or a boy?”, etc.

We always just let the pronouns roll, no correcting, and when she asked the questions, we wouldn’t provide a script. “Is that a boy or a girl?” “I don’t know, what do you think?” If she asked what I thought, I would answer but qualify that I couldn’t be sure, might be wrong, etc.

At some point, she started gendering herself. For a little while, she was saying, “I’m not a girl, i’m a PUPPY!” So, great, we agreed, let her be a puppy whenever she wanted. But after maybe two months, she started going girl, identifying with “girls” in books, hasn’t wavered. Yet?

THE FOLLOWING IS ANECDOTAL AND NOT PRESCRIPTIVE: A lot of genderqueer people I know talk about being able to “tell” from baby pics or toys or wardrobe choices or whatever, it being “obvious,” parents missing the signs, unwilling to see them, etc. so I just try not to do that.

If the eldest comes home from preschool on Monday and says “I’m a boy,” okay then. We’ll take that seriously and go with it. Seems to me EXPLORATION is the highest value here.

But I also am using my entire spiritual capacity to see the whole of these beings, and I trust myself.

I am willing to play and shift with my kids. That seems like a positive thing. I am also willing to be wrong, to adjust, to APOLOGIZE if that’s called for.

And I don’t believe human gender identity or expression are some metaphysical binary.

But I do think genders exist.

I also think genders are socially constructed.

But I know and can see every day that it is my job as a parent to be a social constructor. My children need me to create categories for them. They need my help understanding who they are.

So I introspect, do my best, and listen.