My Grief

My grief is for all the time I’ve lost in states of disintegration and chaos — and on a greater scale, all the ways my life and my elders and teachers were not able to prepare me for this, for which I do not blame them, and which I only mourn as something I could not have done as well as I wish I could have in this life.

I have had to find my own ways back to center, and they did not and still do not come easily or stay long, and as I get older, and moments become more valuable as they fly by in that paradoxical way, I grieve them when they are wasted. I grieve the person I could have been for others, or for myself, in those moments of chaos. I grieve the whole worlds that could have come to be if I had been in integrity in those moments.